We are the architects of our own reality

#healing #lettinggo #findingoneself #midlife #upleveling #newcomforts #losingyourself #findingyourself #lovingyourself #higherfrequencyliving

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At some point, I lost myself...and I think it happened many years ago, not just recently.

We all wear many hats in life... we are mothers, we are the heads of our households, we are amazing friends, dedicated daughters, and we are silly, annoying siblings. We are career-driven addicts, and deep, loyal lovers... and at the end of the day, when we take all these hats off, we are our own, unique, tender person.

I, for whatever reason, whenever it did happen, stopped paying attention to my own tenderness. I began prioritizing the world and all of its demands. And I slowly over time, started sacrificing the space in my head and in my heart for the things that were most important to everyone. And the things that I hold selfishly sacred, I just pushed aside until they were out of sight and out of my mind.

The person I am, when I take all these hats off, began to retreat. And over time, I stopped taking hats off because it was easier to stay in these roles then it was to sit with the shell of a person I was becoming.

Why?

I don't know...I started chasing my dreams and I perhaps got tunnel visioned on what was important? I was so deeply dedicated to the people around me and I worked my hardest to make them happy. That's what we are supposed to do, right? When we bond in romance, and when we create a family, it becomes about sacrificing for them, doesn't it? There is real magic and energy here - because I find pure joy and happiness in pleasing people. But then, without intention, I lost track of what pleases me. I wasn't paying attention to the time I needed to take care of myself. I ignored the sacred relationship with myself, when all of my hats were taken off each day. It was easier to get instant gratification by others then it was to balance what was good for me and get that validation and approval from myself. Validating yourself requires more energy because of our complexities to juggle what's important to us with our role in the world. And at its most basic building block in any reality, it requires less effort to please another person than it does to please ourselves.

The person inside me began drying up.

"Sorry Lisa, I'll spend some private time and take care of you tomorrow. Actually, I'll do something next week for you that can fuel your soul..." and before I knew it, my small, private intimate moments that I was left with eventually, were only just quick 5-minute hot showers , or a solo work commute when I could celebrate myself by controlling the radio station. That was what I left myself with. Pretty pitiful.

I ignored me so well and got so advanced in this that I architected a reality where I was happy! I successfully brainwashed myself into thinking this was an incredible life. I established new behavioral patterns that kept me present in this twisted state of reality and those patterns helped me stay focused on everything and everyone but myself.

But Mother Nature is fierce...so at times, the inner parts of me would surface and I would feel the shift. Then my anxiety would increase, my soul would get louder, and my alignment between my head and heart would vibrate me awake. What did I do? I would chase approval and seek validation from others to appease myself and feel more comfortable. I was never solving my problem but staying stuck in this reality where I was the master architect.

The universe gets impatient with us at times and tends to knock us on our ass at points in life. Sometimes it smacks you in the face, sometimes it takes someone away from you, and sometimes it rips your world apart.

This is when you are given a chance to reboot. You are given a chance to go inside yourself, do some work, and find yourself again. You are adrift and you have a chance to anchor yourself. You are given a chance to architect a new reality in your newly anchored state. Or you can chase what is more comfortable during these tender, painful moments. The familiarity of the present will be the most comfortable and you can stay adrift. Or you can create something new. Creating something new is scary. And scary is uncomfortable.

What are we doing? What am I doing? Who am I?

I am ready for something new. But what does that look like? I was so good at my previous architect role...will I be successful architecting something new that is unfamiliar to anything I know at this moment in time? And how in the hell do I do that? Build something I don't understand?

After my divorce, I didn't reboot. I kept going and then found myself in another relationship that was very similar to my previous. It was my fault because I didn't bring my most authentic self to the surface before I committed to my next relationship. I didn't know I lost myself...I was still "grinding." I like to be comfortable and so without doing the work, I fled to another relationship that was comfortable. I want to survive. I knew what to expect with something that was familiar. I knew the good, the bad and the ugly in this relationship and so nothing was really unknown or uncertain.

I did not put in the work to give myself the opportunity to learn from my past. In my career, after every project, assignment, and product we build, we have a "retrospect." This is a time to reflect on what we just completed. We analyze what went well, what went wrong, and what we want to do next time knowing what we know now. I do not do this kind of work on myself in my personal life.

Well, actually, I didn't in the past but I am now. And this is how I will grow and this is how I will not survive this life but live a life where I can continue to up-level in my journey.

To put it bluntly, another failed relationship was of my own doing. This was not anyone's fault but mine. I didn't put in any work after my divorce, and then foolishly repeated a pattern of survival. And the universe created some realities that gave me a chance to open my eyes. And I did. And I am rebooting this time instead of pressing forward with the patterns that got me to this point.

Now I am finding myself, re-centering, finding a new balance, and growing into the person I lost. I celebrated the end of one relationship by moving right into another one that was the same. Wow...a perfect example of no personal growth Lisa. You are an engineer...and you are missing the reboot. Ha - well not this time universe! Thank you.

The grind. It creates the rabbit hole that many of us get stuck in and we are good at creating whatever reality we need to in our minds that keep us comfortable so we can survive each day. The world does not brainwash us. We brainwash ourselves to survive.

My heartbreak was the universe's way of giving me an opportunity to pause, reboot, and pay attention. I have made so many discoveries of my habits and behaviors recently.

I look for validation from those people in my life that I respect and love and hold dear to my heart. I want to make those people happy. But wait - it gets worse! When you lose yourself, you take this pattern of behavior and expand on it. I have been chasing validation from everyone now...these are strangers, work colleagues, friends of friends, neighbors, acquaintances...you name them, I want their validation. Why am I seeking approval from people I don't even know? I am grinding and in a rabbit hole reality.

I obsess about the things I can't control. And there is a lot in life that we will never be able to control. But when you survive some pretty toxic circumstances, you find yourself appeasing your anxiety by planning on how to tackle the unknown - thinking through every circumstance that could be feasible and how you would need to navigate it. The more you think about this, the more the unknown can become known and the uncertainty you face lessens. Then your anxiety begins to decrease. And you start becoming more controlling because of this toxic pattern of survival.

I am finding myself again. I am taking notice to some behaviors that are taking more from me than giving to me. These are patterns that will not get me to where I want to go next. As I peel the onion layers away, and get closer to my inner-self, I am finding me again. I work in each layer by making discoveries and then forgiving myself for developing a pattern that is not serving me. I forgive myself for living that truth.

I am done surviving. I am done with these truths that I have manufactured for myself. And I am fucking done with this reality I have created for myself.

I am reconnecting with myself. I am developing a new relationship with Lisa that affords me an opportunity to architect new patterns. I am working incredibly hard to forgive myself.

I am a vice president of software engineering for the 101st company on the USA Fortune 500 list. I have been able to architect some crazy shit where we monetize subscription patterns that create billions of dollars for our nation's GDP.

I am more than capable of architecting a new reality for my personal life - a new reality that will take me to a much better place than where I have kept myself as of late.

The validation I seek will be my own and I will love you for free.