Turning More Lights On: discovering more of my inner-self

Spiritually Cancun

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The beach is a popular escape for some of us...an escape from our every day demands and stressors that take from us as we try to survive life. This past Christmas, I had a special trip planned for my children...we all have been through a lot this last year and I was looking forward to their first international trip (by plane). Being able to soak in the tropical, salty, aquamarine vibes are the essence of what Cancun provides to the escapees of reality.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, it was pretty early into our trip when I came across very heartbreaking news. The news completely broke me. Fortunately, what I learned didn't impact anyone other than me. I have been challenged before and I've proven I can be strong for my children as I weather a storm. What I was experiencing this time, though, was something I have never imagined could happen to me (naive thinking of course). What I was facing was very unfamiliar and so I didn't know what to think, how to think, what to do, and instead crashed in my head. I was completely blindsided and unprepared. Loyalty, honor, trust, faith, and honesty were all destroyed for me. And it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a special week planned with my children, in a very magical place, doing something we've been waiting all year for...and on day 2 of this trip, my spirit was destroyed in a second.

So what did I do? I did nothing. I worked hard to not react. My spirit was crushed and therefore my emotional state was in a downward spiral. My mental health was challenging me on new levels of crazy. When you love hard, then you learn how to flirt with psychosis (a disconnection from reality) when that bond is broken or ripped away from you.

I was dazed and confused. And completely sober.

I believe I was in the right spot and at the right time to receive the reality that I was ignoring for the last three years. I suffered an experience that was my first tragedy. I have faced a lot of challenges and dealt with a lot of pain...but nothing I have experienced ever touched my spirit in this way. This event wounded me in a way where my faith and my soul was broken. The definition of a tragedy is an event that causes destruction. In fact, my mom used this word with me when she was giving me feedback on my situation. The irony is this destruction was not visible to anyone. Nothing in my life changed. My children were not affected. My career was undisturbed. My relationships and rapport in my community were the exact same. And my assets and wealth were not involved. My credibility, significance and value were not in jeopardy. So why was this a tragedy? My spirit was broken. My ego was shattered. My faith in someone I trusted was destroyed and I knew that was irreversible. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking love can go away in an instant. I wish that were true. Loving someone while feeling your faith in that person disappear with every breath you take...that was just a lot and not something I would wish for anyone and yet the reality is, so many people suffer and experience this similar situation. That is so sad about life, people and relationships. I wanted a magic pill, or that easy button, to just reset my head and heart to "unlove" in an instant. My character was in a spiral of chaotic confusion. This was the destruction. Everything physically was great and at the same time everything spiritually inside of me was blowing up. It was a surreal experience. I was living in some multi-dimension. I have NEVER faced this in my life. No one has ever put me in this position until now.

All the while, my four kids are taking turns talking to me continuously. They are poking me with questions for things and wanting to eat or to get water or to go to the pool or that they were bored and they want to go back to the ocean and oh wait, but I am hungry and then what about that fruit smoothy?

Time out world! Is this a sick joke from above or below or from someone who is puppeteering me through a series of tests to see if I will survive or perhaps suffer a mental breakdown? Can someone give me a hint if I am passing or failing this exercise? Rather, I just want to quit, and I need some space from the noise of everything and I want nothing more than to be selfish. I give up. I lose this one. Damn it, all I want to do is just cry and scream and be destructive because I was being destructed. I lost in so many ways...

Instead, I just kept breathing. That was my only rational choice at that point. Just breathe. And all my energy was focused on breathing.

I had to get out of my head until the bombs were done going off. It was a war zone up there. I wasn't going to make it out alive if I spent another second in there.

And so all my energy was funneled in watching my children swim in the pool and ocean. I stayed off my phone and practiced being present with my surroundings because it felt more safe to watch my kids play, laugh and swim than to engage with other forms of energy.

I just spent the next few days keeping my four children alive. This is all I had in me! Hahaha. I am an overachiever and this felt very passive and slacking. But again, I had nothing in me to do more. We spent the week at our resort with no excursions, no field trips, no adventures beyond the resort. I didn't go grocery shopping and instead let the kids buy food and beverages from the restaurants and the onsite market. And if you know my children, this is not how I typically run things and so they were ecstatic and celebrated my lack of energy. I kept sharing a disclaimer that I was on vacation too and it's only fair that I can have a break from my daily routine too.

I am very blessed because the magic of Cancun brought us all the peace and happiness we needed to get through this...the kids stayed busy and independent and they were very satisfied. And because Cancun took care of my children, I didn't have to do much for them while we were there. They spent the entire time entertained by the magical ocean waves and the bath water pools. And I, in turn, was able to invest my energy in making sense of my head, my new reality and my healing.

When I think back to my Cancun experience, it holds some deeply tender moments of mine and I am so grateful for its timing. By the end of our family trip, I was spending more time in my head and sweeping up the wreckage from the nuclear war.

I am beginning to feel more open to believing in the things I cannot see. I am becoming more spiritually aware maybe? My faith in someone was destroyed but my faith in life and the universe has grown. I am finding peace in the destruction. I have always said "everything happens for a reason" but I am not sure if I really understood that like I do now. I also don't believe I would have been able to see things in the deep, meaningful way that I am beginning to understand as a result of this tragedy. We all are hard-wired to react - it's our human instinct. We fight or we run. And when we react , we miss the opportunities to see things as they are. When we run, we bury things, we never learn and we never experience gratitude. When we fight, we continue to destroy. Our reactions drive continued change down a pathway that never leads us to gratitude. Cancun prevented me from reacting because I didn't want to wreck my children's vacation. They needed Cancun. And because of them, I couldn't fight back and I couldn't run. I was forced to face it and sit with it and in it. I was a prisoner and had no choice so I forced myself to learn from it. It looks like I needed Cancun too. I think this is what healing yourself is all about? If it is, then it is magically life changing.

Some of the greats - i.e. philosophers, world leaders, musical artists - they all write, talk and sing about the beauty of tragedy. The age-old adage we hear is one must suffer in order to appreciate. That would have been worthy of an eye-roll if you told me this in Cancun. But as I continue to explore my inner-self, I am learning a lot. I am finding a deep understanding and immense gratitude for why things happened the way they did.

A dear friend of mine who is very intellectual and more spiritual than me, reminded me of our library chats. We often talk about how our mind is like a library...there are so many books (of memories, thoughts, moments, feelings, knowledge, learnings, experiences). And the library size is infinite for everyone. And many in the world spend their time in the main hall. Or maybe some can only spend time at the front desk. Well, if you follow this metaphor of our mind, this tragedy has pushed me to find dark hallways in my library that I didn't know existed. And I am turning new lights on and discovering many new books.

“Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic.” ~Oscar Wilde