I have struggled in my personal life with my romantic relationships. I have always wanted to be with someone who makes me their priority and is fully committed to maintaining the relationship. A man who is sensitive, thoughtful, devoted and genuinely wants to make me happy.
There have been blocks in my past with romance. There was always a common theme of how I felt eventually...I often didn't feel truly understood. Being together started to feel like just a concept and I was unable to relate in a conscious way with them.
Since the genuineness of the relationship was absent for me, I started feeling like I was the burden and therefore, I needed to prove I was a good partner. I was forcing the relationship to exist because I also felt deficient if I were to leave and be on my own. I mean come on... being "alone" is what weird, witches and gypsies, mystical spinsters or crazy loser women do...I mean, aren't we conditioned to assume if a woman is single, then something is wrong with her? Ha! Damn patriarchy! :-)
At almost 42, I'm coming to realize that my most fulfilling relationships are where I am truly able to be myself. And the older we get, the wiser we become and the more confident we become with ourselves. Many academics out there that study the behaviors of our population, well they write research documents, white papers, novels, books, and articles that tell us one simple thing: The most fulfilling relationships for all of us, come later in life. Whether that be in the strength of relationships you've kept over time and how they've grown more meaningful throughout the years or that the new relationships you have found later in life carry much more depth than any relationship from your past.
Despite my best efforts, romantic relationships have never been easy for me. At times I would feel blocked, as if some barrier prevented me from connecting with the one I was with. It was a literal boundary that inhibited me at times...I would connect with someone ideal but then I went away to school, or I studied in Europe and was gone too long, he lived in a far away city, or he was involved with someone else and our timing was off, etc. And then when I do genuinely bond with someone and enter into a relationship, it would seem hard to maintain. Something gets in the way of it lasting or I felt dissatisfied. And there were times it felt like there was always something missing or in some cases, it just never felt right.
It became clear that I felt more alone being in a relationship than when being officially solo, but because of my fear of being "relationship-less," I stayed in partnerships where I compromised my own needs.
I can't say that I am looking but at some point, when it makes sense and feels right, I'll connect with someone who will make me their priority and take me and our relationship seriously. He will be devoted and want to make me happy. He will be sensitive to what I need and will work to keep the relationship thriving. Ideally, I will feel completely understood by my partner. I will not be blocked by having the kind of connection I crave and it will feel real, genuine and when we are together we will be absolutely present.
He will not be attached to the idea of being a couple and how he is perceived publicly. And most importantly, behind closed doors, there will be meaningful emotional and mental connections. The relationship we share will be much more than a concept and we will be able to truly relate in a conscious and equal way that is way beyond both of our present abilities.
In the past, when I felt the superficiality of my partnerships, I started to feel inadequate, neglected and I was hurt because of that. I would begin believing that my needs would be a burden on them. I would start feeling deficient and think I was doing something wrong and the relationship was suffering and it was my fault. And so, I would feel the need to prove myself to them and please them, hoping that if I was to improve and become a better partner, they'd invest more in the relationship and our connection and I would be validated. At times, they would commit more in response to my efforts but they would do so in a toxic way by being controlling, manipulative, and overly concerned with maintaining a certain image instead of actually connecting with me. They would start testing me and investigate what I was doing when I wasn't directly involved with them. They were at times a double standard - where they could act however they wanted but I was expected to act as a certain, ideal partner. They would find ways to make me feel like I wasn't providing enough to the relationship.
These patterns time and time again caused me to settle for people that were not right for me and then I would force the relationship to happen because I felt deficient being on my own. Even if it was clear there wasn't a long-term potential, or that I was unfulfilled with them, I stuck around with them because I thought I should or because, maybe they were better than the alternative - which was being alone?
What does this all mean? It's possible that my relationship patterns are codependent and I have therefore, become incredibly reactive to and overly influenced by my partner and their actions. What my partner thinks starts to matter more than it should and I look to them for permission. I start basing my behavior on their needs instead of what I want.
I started making my patterns the authority in my life because I was afraid to take responsibility for myself. I have been caught in a cycle of attracting people that make me feel insecure, as if I am not enough. And then I would depend on them to validate my insecurities. This is how my unhealthy and toxic pattern of seeking validation from others began to grow stronger in me.
I have been left to figure things out on my own for a large portion of my life. I have become self-reliant in response to the pain of feeling abandoned (ironically it was my choice to venture out on my own at 18 and figure out the world on my own...so my family didn't abandoned me but that doesn't mean my psyche hasn't created this reality). This abandonment is a wound and it runs deep. It was self-inflicted too, not family-caused per se. This wound can run so deep at times that being emotionally alone is all I know and therefore what I have come to expect in my relationships.
If I have been in survival mode, then do I even understand the level of intimacy I am capable of with someone? I might be blocked in ways I am unaware of and because of this vulnerability and how embedded it is within me, I am still learning more about it as I look inside myself.
When my relationships suffered, and I chose to stay in them, I would protect myself and avoid feelings of being judged so I would put up walls, shut down, become automatic or robotic and rather emotionless. If I pushed myself to resolve things in the relationship, I would attempt to fix the issue by denying myself what I needed or I would change who I was.
The relationship dynamics of my past often made me feel less than whole in many ways and I struggled to have my own needs met. I would become dedicated to making an exhausting relationship work, despite all the issues that were present. The situations were toxic and I knew I should have left but it always felt impossible to let go. This pattern created a pressure in me that was so intense, so strong, that it motivated me to stay and work through it all. I hold on to the idea that I can fix anything. And when I fix it, it will improve. But the reality is...the truth? I would never catch a break and no partner would ever rescue me from it all...I could only rescue myself, and it took to me to my breaking point, to evacuate.
This isn't my fault and I haven't done anything wrong. This is a struggle we all face - a strategy that can help us grow as people. The growth comes when we intentionally force ourselves to do the work of finding wholeness inside ourselves....independent of any relationship on the exterior.
I will continue to meet blocks and challenges and frustrations in all relationships if my happiness is based on my partner or if I feel incomplete without someone in my life. If I ever habitually change my mood or my intentions based on my partner's behavior, then I am off track.
Being that affected by someone is not healthy.
I have been choosing partners who could be mirrors for me. They are reflecting back how I feel about myself - making me more aware of what I need to address inside me.
If things happen again for me and I am with someone again who actively undermines my confidence or refuses to acknowledge my feelings, instead of trying to change them, I need to look within myself for the source of my frustrations. I need to confront MYSELF on why I chose someone incapable of supporting me and why I exhaustively hold on for a breakthrough. I will not get distracted by focusing on what they do - because it's not about them. I will look at my mindset and how it contributes to my sense of inferiority and my own lack of control.
I will not punish myself by staying out of guilt or obligation with someone. I will not repeat this pattern because I deserve to be happy.
I am beginning to truly realize, I don't need anyone to make me feel complete. And I am capable of creating my own happiness and self-worth. The truth is...the qualities I am attracted to in someone already exist in me. I don't need to look for them externally. I will try hard to stop repeating the pattern of mistakes where I think I need a partner to feel validated, rather than taking responsibility for valuing myself.
If more than 50% of your identify is based on having a partner or letting your happiness be dependent on how a relationship is going, then you've lost your center and you have veered off your path. Love and commit to yourself first and become your own best partner.
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